Webcam dates to eat cereal late at night, holding hands under tables, your sleepy voice, your habit of calling me by my full name, always. I even miss ordering huge sizes of your god damn mint chocolate chip ice cream that I hated so much.

With all these unstable emotions, and outbursts, its quite safe to believe that not much has been going right. And not much of this is in my control. All my prayers have been paying off though, and I can say that, that is the one thing that has gone perfectly. As I’ve asked for many times, you two are doing wonderfully, and there hasn’t been an absent smile on your face since you’ve left me. And that’s exactly how it should be. Who would I be if I let you settle for anything less than you deserve. I’m content this way, and god has not dissapointed me with these answers at all.

Goodness, why haunt me tonight? Ive neglected you and put you to off to the side where you cant bother me. Its amazing, the power you have of hurting me when were on terms where silence is all that exists from each other. If one word can be chosen to describe what’s happened to us, it would be just forgotten. Its as simple as that, forgotten friendship, forgotten importance, forgotten love, forgotten loyalty, forgotten commitment, forgotten intimacy, forgotten promises, forgotten me.

People come, people go, right? Just like you, they’ll drift in and out of my life, and maybe in and out of it again. And again.. Silly me, for believing it was all fate’s doings. But please remember that you were very much of me. Just as much as I was very much part of you. Well, may I just say how much I admired the character you played in my life story. And here is me finally being able to close the cover. You have told your story in our book. And now its time to start up again with another one. All complete with new characters and adventures that are waiting for me. The end.
And to my dearest new temporary happy ever after, I hope to see you soonly.

In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.

I’m not a perfect person, and you still saw me perfectly.

That kiss last night in my dreams… Was just as perfect as I remember them to be. And I hope these dreams lately are your little way of sending me I miss yous.

I’m hurting, and you don’t even care. That’s something you are completely okay with, and that breaks me. You once couldn’t stand the thought of me ever being upset. You’d spend hours with your ear up to that phone making sure I let it all out. You’d talk for as it felt centuries, until your words of love and advice and wisdom finally sunk into my head and made me feel a whole lot better. You’d be unhappy when I was, and you did everything in your power to make sure I was okay. Fuck, just looking into your big brown eyes made the world seem so perfect. And now, best friend, you’re completely absent from my life, and I know you’re still aware of how much my life has been crumbled to pieces. But you’re doing nothing. Cause I guess after all, it is only me. I would never stand close to winning the attention from you over your precious girlfriend. And you know, we only spent a few years of our lives together, being eachothers everythings. so just forget my feelings. It’s fine, I understand that you’ve grown a hate for me, and I still don’t know why. It’s alrite, it’s not like I lost everything from losing you. It’s not like I feel lonely. And it’s not like nobody made as big an effort to ever pick me up when I’ve fallen before like you did. It’s not like I need or miss you at all. Yeah, Ill be fine.

There is a friend out there, that thinks extremely highly of me. I have a special friend that believes I am stronger than I could ever convince myself that I am. One person thinks I can endure much more than I feel like I can. And these words have made all the difference in my own negative beliefs. These words are encouragement, and for the first time in a while, I do not feel powerless, or desperate, or vulnerable, and weak. Thank you.

The list I made after you left me is increasing quickly. My things-I-did-without-g list. My very own list full of things you missed out on. See, we’ve spent so much time without each other and you’ve been missing out on so much of my life. With us, we were always at that kind of closeness where we were always interested and a part of or aware of the others doings and interests. Nothing ever went on in my life that you didn’t know about, simply cause that’s how we both liked it. And so I made this list back then thinking our separation would be so temporary. Nearly daily something new is added to that list. And nearly daily I must come to realization just how permanently you planned on staying away from me. This list becomes useless. But just maybe if you come back to me, I’ll get to tell you all the things I managed to do on my own, all key events of that time period you were gone, and maybe you’ll be proud of me for getting past some of those hardships, and maybe you’ll be proud of me for all the ways I’ve grown. But theres very little chance of that, and I am understanding of it. I guess this is just the only way I can think of to keep this little amount of hope. This list makes me feel like you’ll be around again. And even if I am just bullshitting myself, well it makes me feel like I’m this much closer to getting to where you are. Ridiculous, isn’t it.

I know that there is no hope for us. And when I say “us,” im not talking about the playing around in bed, long hugs and kisses us. That kind of unrealistic hope was let go of quite a while ago. I’m talking about the mature talks in bed, the “i want to know all your hopes and dreams and everything that kills you a little bit” kind of conversation. I recall of hours and hours of getting to know eachother, and never have I really understood how it feels to be cared about, until you became everything. With you, there was this mutual craving. Do you remember feeling that too? The wanting to know something new about eachother each day. And wanting to know, Every. Single. Thing. That there was to figure out about eachother. We were everything to me. By now, you know enough things about me to be able to write a whole story. Fuck stories, you have enough of me to start a series. And I miss this so bad. I really want that relationship back. I don’t know how exactly to explain how I feel about you. You’ve taught me love, and you’ve taught me what a best friend should be. And all I can feel from you now, is you forgetting me. And it hurts me in a million different ways.